


Weightless

by Rawrsuzie



Category: Free!
Genre: Anorexia, Dieting pills, Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, Haru really tries to help, Haru tries to help, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Makoto has an eating disorder, Makoto's very self-deprecating, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Poor baby doesn't know what to do, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, goes over the span of a couple months
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-06-10 08:51:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6949363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rawrsuzie/pseuds/Rawrsuzie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The hardest thing about being human is realizing that even when you don’t think you have insecurities, they are still there—waiting for the moment you are at your weakest to take you down.</p>
<p>A.K.A. the fic where Makoto has an eating disorder and things get worse--a lot worse before they get better but somehow it all works in the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is another attempt at a chapter story for me. I'm so bad at them because I usually end up hating them when I re-read over them...but I really, really, really want to finish this one. Like really bad. I already have the next few chapter outlined so we'll see how it goes. 
> 
> This is a little dark and deals with issues a lot of people choose to ignore most of the time. I...don't think Makoto is a weak character by any means, I simply feel like his insecurities would eat him up if he held them in long enough. But I feel like he's such a strong person that he can recover from even the darkest of fights. 
> 
> I only write sad Mako-chan stories. :( 
> 
> Please enjoy, and feel free to yell at me if I'm taking to long to write the next chapter. :')

“Let’s see here…” the doctor flips through her charts, marking a few things as she turns each page. “Yes, yes very good.”

The doctor shifts her gaze towards him, a small smile gracing her lips. “You are a very healthy young man, Tachibana-san.”

Makoto smiles, shyly bringing a hand to rub the back of his neck. “T-thank you…that’s really good to hear.”

The doctor turns to the last page and pauses. “All we have left is your height and weight measurements and you’ll be all finished. Please remove your shoes and step over onto the scale in the corner.”

Makoto does as directed, removing his shoes and stepping on to the scale. The doctor slides the black weight marker, tapping it a few times before it finally settles. She marks that number down and proceeds to pull out the height tool. She places the marker atop his head, pausing to write down the measurements before putting it back down.

The doctor smiles again. “All done Tachibana-san. You’re a healthy six foot one, and inch more than last time!”

Makoto returns her smile as he sits down to re-tie his shoes.

“Your weight is also good, an even 176 pounds, fifteen more than previously.”

The brunet pauses, looking up from his shoes towards his doctor. “F-fifteen…?”

She nods in affirmation. “You sure have grown in the past three months since we’ve seen you!”

“O-oh yeah.”

There’s a tight feeling in his gut.

Fifteen pounds in only three months…wasn’t that a lot?

The doctor assures him that it was perfectly normal for someone of his age and stature to have extra weight on them.

Of course it wasn’t really that big of deal in the first place. It wasn’t like he was really conscious of his weight to begin with—well, he kind of was, but not enough to force himself on to a diet or a rigorous workout regimen. His daily swim club activities always kept him fit enough, and it wasn’t as if he ate totally unhealthy…

Gou may have mentioned once or twice that his bento lunches…were lacking in some areas, plus chocolate would forever be his weakness…

But it wasn’t that big of a deal…

\--

“Ne~ Mako-chan! You’ve put on weight!” He playfully pokes at Makoto’s side.

“H-huh?”

Nagisa pinches his side, making Makoto’s entire face darken with a blush.

“Look~! Look~! Mako-chan is pudgy~! It’s super cute!”

“N-Nagisa! Please stop that!”

Makoto jerks away from prodding hands, glancing down at his body while brushing a subconscious hand across his middle. He pinches lightly at the skin and it squishes into his fingers, much to his mortification.

“Nagisa-kun! That’s completely inappropriate for you to say to Makoto-senpai!” Rei pushes up his glasses, glaring at the blonde with disproval.

Nagisa grins cheekily, immediately throwing himself on to the other swimmer. “Rei-chan~~! Mako-chan knows I’m only joking with him! Right, Mako-chan?”

Makoto stiffens. “A-ah yeah.”

“See Rei-chan? Now hurry up before Gou-chan yells at us!”

“Nagisa-kun! Get off me!”

Their argument slowly dissipates to the background as Makoto’s gaze shifts again to himself. He feels so suddenly aware of his body—which was ridiculous because he’s always been aware of himself—it was more like…seeing himself in a new light? He keeps running his hand over his stomach feeling for the difference Nagisa so obviously pointed out.

Was he really getting fa—?

“Makoto.” A smooth voice interrupts his thoughts.

“H-Haru!”

He slides both arms over his midsection.

He could practically feel Haru’s gaze burning over him, making everything even more uncomfortable.

His stomach clenches—why was he getting so worked up?

“I-I thought you’d be swimming by now.”

He breaks the silence with the first thing he could think of.

Haru gives him another look before answering. “Was. You were taking too long.”

Makoto looks down and notices the sizeable puddle the other swimmer created. He also takes notice of the raised bumps across Haru’s skin and the slight shake in his movements, though Haru would never admit he was cold.

Makoto smiles gratefully at his best friend. “Sorry for making you wait, Haru. Let’s go get in the water.”

Haru gives him a look that said, ‘should have done that to start with.’

He laughs at Haru’s expression and quickly gathers his swimming gear before walking towards the door—

There was a sudden yank on his arm and before Makoto could even process what was happening a pair of thin chapped lips press against his own. Makoto makes a surprised sound and stares openly into Haru’s blue gaze. The kiss itself lasts only a few second at most, but long enough that Makoto was utterly red in the face.

“Cute.”

He licks his lips.

“H-Haru!”

“You said it was fine as long as no one was around.” He had this sort of determined expression.

Quickly he presses another chaste kiss onto Makoto before heading out the door and back to the water.

“Haru!”

Makoto swears his boyfriend always had the worse (best) timing.

\--

Even with Haru making him feel a little better, he still spent the rest of practice intentionally hiding himself. He sat at the edge of the pool, knees drawn to his chest in the time that it wasn’t his turn to be in the water and he was the first one in and out of the changing room after practice was over.

He really was trying not to be so conscious of it…!

Never had he paid much attention to his weight—honestly if he ever did gain anything, he’d lose it just as fast—it never made a difference for his swimming and it never showed on his body…

Until now.

It wasn’t Nagisa fault; really, he could never blame him for pointing it out. Really, it was him being overly self-conscious. He was happy, healthy, and his life couldn’t possibly be any better than it was now. He’d eventually get over this silly insecurity with himself, hell, he’d probably just lose the weight in the next few weeks and this would all just pass behind him and be like something he could laugh about later on.

Or so he believes until he stands on the scale three weeks later.

He didn’t lose any weight.

As a matter of fact, he gained weight—five more pounds of it. Makoto now weighs in at 181, five more pounds in only three weeks. His stomach gives a violent lurch. Looking down at that scale made him want to vomit…

So he did the only rational thing he could think of—he skips breakfast that morning.

And the morning after that.               

And the morning after that too.

In retrospect it really wasn’t that major of a concern (three weeks was almost a month?) but at the time it felt like a bullet to the chest.

So he skips breakfast again.

“Makoto, you’re not eating breakfast again?” His mother’s expression was sewed with worry.

“A-ah…well…no, I still have to get Haru and…go finish working on a project with some of my classmates. I’ll grab something on the way to school. Love you, ma!” He kisses her cheek.

“Love you too…” She gives him a smile but doesn’t look any less concerned.

From then on he just had his mother prepare a to-go breakfast along with his lunch, that way he wouldn’t keep making her worry. She wasn’t happy with the idea—she loved her breakfast time with her family—but eventually relented when she realized how ‘busy’ her eldest was becoming. She took comfort in the fact that she was sending him off with a good, wholesome meal…

That he definitely didn’t give away…

He was going to stop this eventually; he swore to himself that he would. Just when he lost a few pounds; as soon as he lost the weight he’d start eating breakfast again.

He checks the scale again after two week of skipping breakfast.

180 pounds.

Skipping breakfast didn’t help at all.

His throat got extremely tight, his eyes start to sting a little as he looks disheartened at the scale. The number eventually got blurry enough that he quickly jumped in the shower to hide a few of the tears that may have fallen.

What was he doing wrong? He exercised every day, for more than an hour adding on to what he already did at practice. He was definitely exercising more than required! Eating? He’d cut back on most (if not all) sweets and was doing to best to try and balance his diet. Most of the time he just followed the recommended dietary chart—was that not enough?

He’d never been so obsessed with his weight before, but having it pointed out to him…it’s like the straw that broke the camel’s back! How could he not notice now when he knew just exactly how…how _heavy_ he _looked_.  It was impossible to go back to whatever delusion kept him… _deluded!_ How hadn’t he realized sooner that he was so _big_ in comparison to everyone else around him?

No, that wasn’t right—he had always notice how different he was in comparison to everyone, including his friends.  

Nagisa was a little water nymph when it came to swimming, which definitely made a difference on his small, fit body. All the sweets that hyper-active blonde consumed would never touch the trim build he had working for him. Rei was the same in the sense that his figure definitely suited him. A guy like him who already came predisposed with an athletic build was already perfect for the water. The track team had fabricated him to be someone above the lines of physically appealing, swimming just added to the effect. Rin was exactly like his attitude: razor-sharp and strong. He tore through the water like a speeding bullet and each stroke he took cut like a knife through the waves. Rin was powerful and his physique was muscular, but not too massive that it was awkward. Rin was the sharp edge that controlled the tides.

Though, compared to any one of their friends, his boyfriend Haru was definitely born for the water. Haru was the nimble, swift addition to the team. Where Rin was the sharp edge that controlled the tides, Haru was the graceful spirit who synchronized with the water. The water didn’t obey Haru, it was harmonious with him. Haru loved the water and weirdly enough it seemed as if the water loved him. The water also gave Haru his thin, lithe form that always seemed to drive Makoto crazy. Haru’s body was…heavenly and touching it compared to seeing it…

(Well, Haru always did have a way of making his pants extremely tight without even doing anything.)

And who was he? Bulky, big Makoto who’s only redeeming quality (if you could call it that) was his height. An awkward, burly sort of person who would jump out of his own skin at the slightest scare. He was just one big blunder after another. Nothing attractive about him or physically appealing. The brunet didn’t even look remotely close to any of his friends, always sticking out among them as the massive graceless person that was just him.

But Haru still loved him.

And sometimes that felt like his only redeeming quality.

To this day he still doesn’t even really know how, he managed to have someone fall in love with him (whom he was already head over heels for). Haruka Nanase was anyone’s dream come true.

And he was, without any doubt, truly and happily in love with him, Makoto.

He loved Haru, he truly, truly did. The past two years together had been pretty much the best years of his life; he wouldn’t let Haru go for the world. He was so happy with him.

And…

Haru was the peace in his life.

Where his life was in a constant move of going to schools, having swim practices, being with friends, being with family, helping family, and the other various responsibilities he had to do in a day’s time—Haru was just that quiet break that was constantly there but not nearly as demanding.

Haru helped him keep his life together.

And there isn’t a time in his life that he can remember Haru not being there.

Haru has always been there.

The change from childhood friends to lovers was…strange at first. Holding hands, hugging—that was something they had always done…but suddenly it was different. Once the relationship change, so does the perspective on it and Makoto was definitely noticing some different perspectives.

(didHarualwayshavethatcuteofabutt?)

He just…seriously loved his boyfriend. He really, really, really loved his boyfriend!

That never stopped the jealously though.

Sometimes he just felt so utterly jealous of Haru and just…all that was Haru…and the way he could never be like him.

The first time he’d ever had thoughts like that, they were only fleeting ones. Makoto was so sick with himself afterwards that it took him two days to convince his boyfriend that he was fine and not coming down with the flu.

But now…

The thoughts like those…weren’t as fleeting anymore as of lately. They lingered now, made his stomach churn with what could only be described as jealously, jealously for the man he was madly in love with…but not only him, others, like his best friends, it made his stomach toss with envy; the bitter feelings were nothing in comparison to the regret filled feelings afterwards though. At first, he only regretted the thoughts, now he regretted the thoughts and the person that thought of them. He began to resent the person known as Makoto Tachibana.

That’s pretty much where things started to spiral out of control.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His waistline is the only thing feeling lighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got this done faster than I expected! \\(^-^)/
> 
> My grandparents offered me a job working on their house for them, so I wasn't expecting to have much free time but I've found the time somehow and I'm very pleased with how this came out. I hope you enjoy it as well! :)
> 
> I really just wanted to show Makoto going through a day dealing with his issues. It's mostly dialogue with some boyfriend fluff because fluff is always a must. <3

Every morning is spent in the bathroom. A quick trip to the toilet and rinse in the shower is how he starts the day.

…Plus a quick check on the scale and two small dietary pills down his throat.

(He’s lost six pounds in only a week and a half!)

Makoto reaches for his breakfast and lunch both packed for him on the counter as he walks out of the door, stopping to kiss his mother’s cheek, ruffle both of the twin’s hair, and give a soft pat to his father’s shoulder as he walks out the door.

…Where he stops at the neighbors trashcan to toss both meals out.

He walks into Haru’s place, softly calling out to him so that Haru would know it was him and not some intruder.

He’s tried several times to explain to Haru that it wasn’t safe for him to leave his front door wide open like that. Haru normally responds that if he didn’t leave it open then Makoto couldn’t come in and Makoto is always allowed to come in. (They’d talked about just making a key for him but it still hasn’t happened.)

He finds his boyfriend soaking himself in his usual spot. The water is cold to the touch and Haru is even colder when Makoto pulls him out which makes Makoto worry over him like the ‘mom’ he is repudiated to be.

He wraps two soft towels around Haru and when he doesn’t get any warmer, he pulls him into a tight embrace. Haru generously accepts, even going as far as to push his cold hands up the shirt of his warm boyfriend.

Makoto yelps loudly, “H-Haru-chan, y-your hands are f-freezing…”

Haru mumbles into his shirt something that sounds like, ‘I told you to lay of the –chan.’ He hugs him a little tighter…and tenses.

Haru pulls back a little to look him in the eye. “You are smaller.”

He states it so matter-of-factly that Makoto’s a little lost as what to say.

“Huh?”

Haru’s arms wrap more securely around his waist. “I noticed the other day while we were changing in the locker room.”

“Oh…well…um…”

Makoto’s stomach does a flip. Haru’s looking at him in the way that only he could, making him feel panicky for absolutely no reason (or maybe there was a reason but he really didn’t want to discuss it). “I-Is smaller bad?” He finally replies with after a few seconds of panic.

Haru seems to ponder over the question for a few seconds.

“No…” Comes his quiet answer.

Makoto makes a comment about getting ready for school and forces Haru to get dressed before he could say anything else on the matter.

He wasn’t exactly hiding it from Haru…just Haru might not (more like definitely would not) agree with his exact methods of losing weight. He might even make excuses for it, like, how muscle does in fact weigh something (which he knows but that’s not the issue) and that he was all muscle or how a little fat never hurt anyone (it helps you float a little more if anything). Those were things he really didn’t need to hear right now, it might break his resolve or worse—

—It might get him to gain even more weight!

As long as he could pinch his sides and there still be some meat to pull on…

…he was still pudgy.

\--

“Did you forget your lunch again?”

Makoto jumps at the voice and swings around to face Haru. “I-I think so…must have left it on the counter…”

Haru gives him a look that says he doesn’t believe him.

God, Haru is perceptive.

(Or maybe he’s just a horrible liar.)

“You scared me just then, you know.” Makoto tries changing the subject. He gives him a shaky smile and clutches his shirt, trying to seem startled to play off his horrible lie.

“Sorry.” Haru mutters before adding, “You spent too long looking for it…now you can’t go to the canteen…”

“Ah, I guess you’re right…” The look on Haru’s face makes him want to hug him. “It’ll be fine, Haru. I’ll just eat something when I get home. Plus, there is always dinner to look forward too!”

His trademark smile is back on his face as he and Haru begin to make their climb to the roof.

Haru grips tightly onto the bento he is holding in his hands. “We could share.”

It seems more as a demand than a question.

Makoto pushes open the heavy metal doors and lets Haru walk through before he goes after. “That’s not fair to you Haru, I mean it’s my fault that I left my lunch at the house. You shouldn’t have to starve because of it.”

“But—”

“Besides,” Makoto interrupts, “we have practice today and you need something to fill your stomach—especially with the way you swim.”

That quiets Haru for a moment, he seriously thinks about it before saying, “what about you? You’re going to swim too.”

“I’ll take it easy today.” Makoto smiles, “that way you can swim however you please.”

Haru doesn’t look very convinced.

“…you promise to eat as soon as you get home?”

“Of course!”

_Lies._

Haru still looks a little skeptical and he stares at his boyfriend a few seconds more as if he were trying to read his mind.

“…okay.” He finally relents, though he’s still very reluctant.

“I’ll be fine, I promise. Not having a meal or two isn’t going to kill me.”

(Or five or six…maybe ten…)

Makoto smiles reassuringly at his boyfriend and gives him a small peck on the cheek. “I love you, Haru-chan.”

Haru gives him a look that is almost akin to loving and brings Makoto back for a sweeter kiss on the lips.

“Yeah…love you.”

And the two of them go and join the rest of their friends.

Afterwards, Haru pulls Nagisa away for a quick word.

\--

“The track? If I remember correctly, I believe it is open year-round…why do you ask?” Rei sits up from his spot on the bench, pushing the bridge of his glasses back up.

“Oh, no reason really…” Makoto covers his head with a white towel, avoiding Rei’s perceptive gaze, as he continuously rubs it over his wet hair. “I’ve been considering doing a work out on the side, y’know to help strengthen my legs a little? And I was just thinking that running would be the best option.”

_More lies._

Rei’s expression instantly lights up. “Well of course it would be! As a former track student I, of course, could give you all of the need-to-know basics!”

He stands, turning to the cubby behind him, digging into it for a few seconds before pulling out a stack of magazines.

“These,” He motions for Makoto to take the magazines, “will tell you anything you need to know about running. I’ve even made a few calculations in there that you are free to use, Makoto-sempai.”

Makoto smiles as he takes the magazines from Rei, thanking him for all the help. ‘Leave it to Rei to have running down to a science…’

He carefully balances the magazines in one arm while reaching for his bag.

“What are those?”

“AH!”

Makoto swears his heart stops for a second.

Haru practically looms over him even though he’s the one who is several inches taller.

“Haru! You scared me!”

He pouts at his boyfriend who at least has the decency to look apologetic.

“Sorry.” He murmurs, pressing into Makoto’s back.

The coolness of Haru’s skin instantly alarms Makoto. “Haru! You’re freezing!”

He quickly and gently sets the stack into his bag simultaneously pulling out a towel and quickly throwing it over his boyfriend’s body, rubbing it all around until some of the warmth starts to seep in. He stops only when he’s sure Haru’s hair is mostly dry.

Haru peeks up at him from under the towel and Makoto can’t help but grin at how adorable he looks. “Better?”

Haru makes an agreeable sound so Makoto takes it as his cue to fold up the towel and put it away.

“You seriously are making me worry with how cold you keep getting…I’m going to start hiding your jammers if you can’t take better care—”

Just as he’s about to set it back in the bag, Haru grasps onto his bicep.

He doesn’t even have time to question the action before Haru asks, “What are those?”

Makoto looks down where his gaze is drawn too and his stomach does a weird flip. Vaguely he notices that he and Haru are the only ones left in the changing room.

Haru’s still scrutinizing him with that all-seeing look of his and its making him start panic.

“They’re…guidelines.” He finally answers.

“For?” Haru urges.

“Exercise.”

His boyfriend purses his lips. “You do enough of that.”

Makoto stiffens—of course Haru would catch on. “There for winter. Just thought it would be something good to look over when the pool closes.”

He’s technically not lying…they are for winter too. He just plans to start them a bit earlier.

Haru stares at him, gazing intensely into his eyes—it makes him want to avoid his gaze, but Haru would get suspicious if he did that.

Haru looks for a bit longer before turning away, heading for the showers. “Whatever.”

His stomach does the weird flip again.

\--

Makoto has to try not to cry at the look on Haru’s face when he refuses dinner at his place once again—his excuse being something related to the twins. (He barely keeps up with the excuses anymore.)

He walks into his bedroom, lying to his mother too about how he feels nauseous and really isn’t all that hungry. 

(Though it’s partly true because it feels as if he’s swallowed lead.)

He lays on his bed in his dark room, suddenly too exhausted to even change out his uniform. Over and over his mind keeps whispering to him:

_Lies…_

_Liar…_

_You big fat liar…_

He reaches over to his drawer, pulls out two more diet pills and swallows them dry.

When he sleeps, all he can see is Haru’s disappointed face.

\--

Lying gets easier after that.    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be sleeping off my sunburn if anyone needs me.
> 
> (If anyone has any suggestions or things they would like to see in this story, you should let me know. I can't promise it will be included but I think sharing ideas helps create wonderful things, so please feel free to share!)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He can never forget his past insecurities because they never go away. They only get worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is slightly different from the other two because it technically takes place in the past and jumps around a little. I kind of need this background though for something I planned for later. 
> 
> I thought for a very long time where I wanted to place this story on the Free! timeline and with this chapter, I'm placing this story at the end of season one going into season two. Which means everything that has taken place in the past two chapters falls before season two roughly. I read somewhere that in Japan, the academic school year starts in April and I'm not quite sure what months Free! actually takes place in, so I'm just placing the beginning at the start of August because in season two it's mentioned that it's almost spring and I have no idea what month season one ends in, but I have a need for it to be cold, so hopefully this all makes sense! 
> 
> (I'm probably going to deviate quite a bit from some of season two as a write through, so this is the warning for that.)
> 
> (And I'm sorry that a botched season one up so much and only focused on Rin. DX)
> 
> If anything doesn't make sense, PLEASE tell me so I can work on some way to fix it. I get things confused very easily and sometimes I need someone to point that out for me or else I won't notice. :')

He and Haru haven’t been dating for two years.

Well, not technically at least.

There isn’t exactly a definitive moment where they established that they were in a relationship—they just were. Neither one asked the other out, they were just always together.

And that was that.

Holding hands and hugging, that had always been normal for them. Taking it a step further wasn’t anything different to them even if everything was different after that.

Their first kiss wasn’t anything special. They had just been napping with Haru pressed into Makoto’s side, using his arm as a pillow and when Makoto tried to move Haru off after his arm had been asleep for so long, Haru just rolled on top of him, looked him right in the eye and leaned in and kissed him.

And when Makoto had asked him why—“I wanted to.”

And he kissed him again.

And everything just kept on like always.

Nothings really changed—they go to school together, they swim, they run errands for Makoto’s parents, they babysit the twins, they do homework, they cook dinner together, they eat mackerel—they do all of what they’ve done together for years.

They just kiss now and then in between everything.

(andsometimestheyhavesex…!)

Makoto and Haru—Haru and Makoto. How they’ve always been and always will be: a normal presence in each others life—always side by side.

\--

Nagisa is actually the one who prompts Haru into figuring out how long they’ve been in a ‘relationship’ because, ‘Haru-chan is not romantic at all’ and ‘how else are you supposed to know when you can properly take Mako-chan’s innocence away!’    

(And he swears he’ll never be the same color after that, not with how red his face burns and oh god nothing will ever embarrass him this much ever again.

Which is proven so very wrong when Rei hands him a very detailed guide on ‘Sexual Encounters with your Male Partner’ the next day.)

The only good that comes from any of that is that Haru decides they’ve been together since they were fifteen.

Why?

Because that’s the first time Haru’s ever had a wet dream.

And of course it involves Makoto.

Which meant (well meant to Haru anyways) that’s when he first noticed his feeling for Makoto and how they were definitely different for feelings of a family member or a friend, which also meant in Haru’s logic that’s how long he’s been aware of he’s different feelings—

Which obviously means that’s how long they’ve been together because Haru said so.

It’s super unromantic of Haru and very practical that he would think that way.  

And Makoto finds it absolutely adorable.

Because he’s always loved his Haru-chan since the very first time he could even pronounce his name and Makoto’s always  known that he’s feelings for Haru were different from all of the other feelings he’s had for anyone else—so of course Makoto easily accepts the mark at two years because he has always

Always

Always

Always loved Haruka.

And that’s just the way they were.

\--

(To be technical though, if you count the amount of time since their first kiss, it’s only been a few months.)

\--

\--

\--

Haru hangs out with Rin a lot now that he’s back talking and swimming with them again.

It bothers Makoto.

NOT because he doesn't trust Haru _—_ he absolutely trusts his boyfriend with every fiber of his being.

It's just _…_

Well _…_

Nobody likes to admit when they’re jealous.

But that never stops the feeling of it.

And Makoto is very aware of the fact that he’s jealous— _sickeningly_ jealous of the relationship Haru and Rin share.

He tries, _he tries so damn hard—_ but he just can’t help it. He can’t help the drop in his stomach when he sees them together.

Can’t help the burning sensation when they laugh together—when Rin swings a playful arm around Haru shoulders and he can’t help the nail indents in his palms when Haru _leans in even closer._

He is so disgustingly jealous and it’s pathetic.

Rin is his friend.

Rin is _their_ friend.

_But he just can’t stop!_

Having Rin back again was wonderful—he can honestly admit that. He’d _missed_ Rin and it was _great_ to see him again and be with him, hangout with him, swimming with him—it was great to have a friend again.

It really, _really_ was great.

But Makoto can’t forget—

He can’t forget what was taken and what was lost for things to be the way they are now.  

The Rin now and the Rin they had met up with before at Samezuka had been two very different people.

Things were better now, everything was great even! The final relay together was all it took to have the old Rin back.

And he’s grateful.

He’s _so grateful_ that everything is better again.  

_But he still can’t forget…!_

The Rin who’d return—with all his sharp edges and words that _cut like a knife—_ that Rin had changed them; that Rin had changed Haru.

_Hurt_ Haru.

It had been…easy to pretend that everything was okay, it had been so easy to pretend that Haru was okay and that everything was fine and everything would continue the same as always.

It had been easy to pretend everything wasn’t broken while Rin was gone.

But when he came back, he took what little Makoto had left of Haru with him.

_And Makoto hated him for it…! (But he doesn’t hate Rin, he could never hate Rin…!)_

Who would dare hurt Haru—Haru who people mistake for being emotionless but is actually very in tune with other people’s feelings. Haru cares— _he cares so damn much!_ So much so that he can’t even function when one of them are hurting and he definitely can’t handle when one of his friends are hurting because of something he’s done. Haru is emotionally invested in all of his friend’s problems—he cares _about each and every one of them deeply!_

That’s why Haru comes off as indifferent.

That’s why Haru doesn’t keep many friends.

Because Haru is human—he’s a living, breathing human being.

And he hurts just like everyone else.

That Rin had taken Haru—taken and crushed, destroyed, broke, killed—whatever you want to call it.

Haru was not Haru.

Rin was not Rin.

And Makoto felt like he was drowning for a very long time.

It’s so easy to point fingers and blame others for everything that goes wrong in life. It was so easy to blame all of his problems on Rin—

Haru quitting swim club—Rin’s fault.

Haru shutting down—Rin’s fault.

Haru shutting him out—Rin’s fault.

Rin, Rin, _Rin!_

But the reality of it all is that none of it really is Rin’s fault—it’s not like he forced Haru to do anything. His actions were simply significant enough to Haru that he made the choice to quit. Haru shut himself down as a defense mechanism…? A sort of recovery?

_For Rin?_

Makoto doesn’t know because Haru shut them all out.

Shut _him_ out.  

Makoto is jealous of Rin. He’s jealous of his and Haru’s relationship. He’s jealous of how Rin could just _show up out of nowhere_ and destroy Haru’s world. He’s jealous of the reactions Rin can get out of Haru—the rise, the emotional roller-coaster exclusive to only them—how he broke Haru so far down and built him together.

And both of them can act like nothing ever happened.

But he can’t forget—forget the long nights spent awake just trying to figure out ways to make Haru better. He can’t forget the expression on Haru’s face when Rin returned—the absolute shock but the utter happiness at his friends return only to be absolutely _devastated_ because of Rin—only ever because of Rin. He can’t forget what it took to finally get Haru to smile again, to finally _feel_ again.

And he can’t forget how it was Rin that took Haru away and brought him  back in the end.

_When Makoto could barely get him out of the bathtub in the morning…!_

Makoto is jealous.  

And he hates himself for it.

\--

(He sometimes wonders if Haru would be better off dating Rin.

But he’s so selfish that he can’t seem to let Haru go, even if it’s probably better for him.)

\--

His jealously and insecurities only get worse.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The pool finally closes and Makoto learns to hide his stuff better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter feels kind of rushed, but I kept reading it over and over and I figured if I didn't post it now I would end up trashing it. So it might be a little short, but this is all I have for now. The chapter after this (which is half way done because I can't do anything in order like a normal person) I like much better. Hopefully I'll finish that one soon as well!
> 
> Please enjoy!
> 
> (Also, I've been working on a Free!/Soul Eater AU on the side whenever I've been having trouble working on this story. Nothing serious, just drabbles really. I may post them if anyone is interested.)

Summer would be ending soon and Makoto would be lying if he said he wasn’t relieved about it.

The downside would be that soon he wouldn’t be able to swim with his team and especially Haru. Also, he’d probably have to start jogging or something, just to make up for the lack of exercise he’d be losing. (He’s glad he talked to Rei before.)

But now, he finally has a good excuse to keep on his shirt every day, a long one at that.

When Haru had told him that he’d been watching him while they changed in the locker room, Makoto became increasingly more self-conscious.

Like, Haru really didn’t need to look at him right now. He just wasn’t…just wasn’t…

Yeah. He knew what he wasn’t, he told himself every day—several times in fact.

And just, well…Haru wasn’t the only one watching.

People were kind of talking about it and it made him even more uncomfortable.

Especially since it was all lies.

It had only happened a few times, but for whatever reason some of the first years had been coming to him and asking what kind of workouts did he do—apparently he was so thin and they wanted a body like his (which he didn’t actually believe because Freshman were just kids and they really didn’t know what looked good).

And then there was the conversation he’d accidentally overheard between Gou, Nagisa, and Rei who’d been remarking on how he was looking tinnier day after day (which he definitely didn’t believe, he had a good pinch full of fat to prove them wrong). 

And Haru told him _constantly_ that he was fine the way he was now and that he didn’t need to be on a diet anymore (which was surprising because he’d never said anything about being on a diet to Haru).

Anyways, it was nice to have a shirt on. People would finally stop looking at his body and lying to him about it.

He was not thin.

He was not getting tinnier.

And he most definitely needs to stay on a diet.

 --

It’s September and the weather keeps getting cooler and cooler with each day passing.

Haru gets antsier this time of year as more and more talk of the pool getting closed happens. He’s easily distracted and pays less attention to things that normally pique his interest that aren’t water.

Which Makoto is slightly thankful for.

Haru’s paying less and less attention to him and more into trying to swim as much as humanly possible before he loses one of his greatest loves until next spring.

(Which lets Makoto make some pretty decent progress in his diet without having to lie as much.)

Every day with Haru is mostly spent swimming—which means more exercise for him and Haru doesn’t even seem to notice that Makoto’s catering to his obsession more than ever before.

When it’s dealing with water, everything else seems to fade away.

And it has helped Makoto lose seven more pounds without worry.

He absolutely in no way, shape, or form feels comfortable where he’s at—seven pounds is good, six more and he’d be back down to his usual weight.

Even more and he’d be even thinner.

\--

The pool finally closes two weeks later and Haru shuts down for a few days.

Makoto loses four more pounds in his absence.

\--

Two weeks after the pool closed, Makoto finds himself babysitting his favorite (and only) fan club consisting of the two hyperactive but lovable twins. His mother and father are out on a very long awaited date night and as the older brother, Makoto takes full responsibility of taking care of the two.

Also, Haru would be over later to help and the four of them always have fun together.

Until then though, Makoto sits at the kitchen table, carefully listening out for the twins if they need him as he leisurely does his homework.

(More like sitting at the table with his head down doing absolutely nothing.)

He plays idly with his pencil and lets his mind wander.

‘I need to figure out another way to work out…jogging seems easy enough…and then I don’t have to join a gym.’ Makoto pushes down hard on the end of the pencil, ‘…But Haru...’

The pencil pops out of his hands and onto the floor.

He grimaces at the thought of trying to explain to Haru his need to exercise.

As soon as Haru recovered from his ‘loss’ period, it was like he was back and determined to make things even harder for Makoto. He had already been forcing him to stop staying longer after practice ended and that was before the pool even closed. Now it seemed like he always had to have an excuse to do anything physical. It also didn’t help that every time they saw each other, Haru would force him to eat no matter what time of the day it was. Haru seriously was over indulging him and he still couldn’t figure out a way to get him to stop without being mean about it.

‘Speaking of Haru, I need to go hide his bathing suits...’

“Onii-chan, what’s this?”

The eldest breaks from his thoughts and glances down at his brother and sister next to him.

His breath catches.

Tightly held in small hands is a white bottle of pills—the exact bottle of pills that he was being super careful to hide from everyone.

Shit.

“W-where did you find those?”

The two of them stare at him curiously. “In onii-chan’s room, in the drawer by his bed.”

He stands abruptly, slamming a hand down onto the table.

“Why’d you go in there?” He shouts, a quick burst of anger seizing him only to be instantly melted away at the sight of their teary faces.

“Sorry…I didn’t mean to yell,” He kneels down and gently puts a hand on their shoulders, “but you know you aren’t supposed to go into onii-chan’s room without permission.”

“W-we’re sorry!”

And he knows the two of them mean it.

After a quick, half-hearted scolding (pretty much Makoto shushing and hugging the crying twins, telling them that it was okay as long as they didn’t do it again), he brings them back to their bedroom and plays with them until there are no more teary faces. He leaves to go cook after that, promising them they’ll play again after they eat supper.

Makoto quickly stops by his room and hides the pills again, this time in a better, more out of the reach place.

Just before Haru walks through his door and unceremoniously throws his things down and flops on his bed.

Makoto smiles at his boyfriends antics. “Tired?”

Haru grunts.

“Hungry?”

Haru grunts again.

“We have mackerel.”

Haru sits right up and is in the kitchen before Makoto makes it out of his room.

“Hurry up, Makoto.” He hears him call from the kitchen.

Makoto shakes his head as he walks towards the kitchen, finding his boyfriend attempting to tie an apron around himself.

“Help.”

With his back to Makoto, Haru holds the strings out for him to grab. Makoto takes both and ties a bow with them, making sure it wasn’t tight enough to hurt Haru. He chuckles sight of his boyfriend practically bouncing up and down with anticipation.

Seriously, Haru was adorable.

Haru turns around after he’s done, holding on to another apron for Makoto to wear. He throws the garment over his head and spins Makoto around so fast, he almost falls. Haru haphazardly ties a bow, slightly tighter then Makoto would prefer, but he doesn’t complain.

Makoto turns back, thanking Haru and giving  him a once over.

And he snorts.

Haru arches a brow at him, which makes Makoto burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?”

Makoto laughs even harder as he stares at Haru with amused eyes. Eventually he manages to control himself. He smiles broadly at him before leaning over and whispering, “Don’t mind if I do.”

And he kisses Haru.

They both hum with pleasure, the feel of the others mouth on their own was always amazing. Haru brings an arm up and around Makoto’s neck, happily deepening the kiss even further. Makoto reluctantly pulls away a few seconds later, partially out of breath and also worried that the twins might walk in on them.

“We can continue this later,” He promises, “for now let’s start cooking.”

“Hn.”

Haru takes a spatula in hand and starts frying up the fish.

Makoto stands next to him handing him whatever Haru needs when he asks for it, smiling stupidly down at Haru every time he catches a glimpse of his apron.

Because there on Haru’s apron in bold letters it said:  **KISS THE COOK.**

And he was more than happy to.

\--

“Haru-chan, could you get me a shirt out of the top drawer?” Makoto asks as he rubs a towel over his head.

Haru makes a sound of protest but gets up from where he’s lying on the bed, tearing open the top drawers and digging messily through the clothes.

The twins had been feed and put to bed an hour ago. They complained at first, wanting to stay up longer with onii-chan and Haru-onii-chan but Haru was eventually able to coax them into going to bed, promising them that he’d be there when they woke up in the morning and they’d play all day together.

They were out like a light in two minutes.

With the twins asleep, that left him and Haru a little time to spend together before his parents got home.

They took a long shower together.

And both of them were pretty worn out now.

“I don’t even know which one you want...” His boyfriend pouts slightly.

Haru was cute when he was grumpy.

“Anything’s fine, Haru-chan. I’d just like a shirt.”

“I like you better without one.”

Makoto stares dumbly at Haru’s back, not quite sure how to respond.

“And you always keep it on now…”

Haru grabs a random black one and throws it at him.

 “Here.”

_Ploink!_

Makoto glances down and his heart almost stops.

The pills!

The pills were on the ground and rolling towards Haru!

Shit!

The brunet reaches out to grab them, but it was already too late—Haru leans down and scoops them up in one swift move, already looking at the label.

‘Fuck, fuck…this is bad…what’s he going to say? Oh god he’s going to be so mad at me…’

Makoto watches Haru in absolute horror, waiting for him to turn around and start yelling at hi—

_Thunk!_

Haru chunks the pills back into the drawer and pushes it close. He turns around, jumps back onto the bed, diving into the sheets and snuggling into the pillows.

Finally he looks at Makoto.

“Bedtime.”

Makoto stares at him. “Huh?”

Haru gives him an annoyed look.

“Bedtime.” He repeats.

“Oh. Okay.”

Makoto quickly slides on his shirt and promptly walks over to the light switch, flicking it off.

“C’mere.” Haru sounds drowsy.

Carefully, he slides into his bed, taking Haru into his arms and adjusting himself so he’d be comfortable.

Haru shifts slightly so that he’s facing his boyfriend and drapes his arms around his waist.

He goes right to sleep.

…

Makoto doesn’t understand why, but he’s disappointed.

\--

“Stop doing this to yourself…”

He swears he heard Haru whisper.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru knows just how to make him believe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More MakoHaru fluff. Everything is better with MakoHaru fluff. (And Makoto deserves to be happy for one damn minute because I write him so angsty...T-T)
> 
> \--You might want to skip this next part because it's a tad long--
> 
> I thought I'd have this finish earlier, but it still took me the same amount of time it takes me to write a whole chapter to finish a chapter I've already written...find the logic in that one. I actually hurt my back pretty bad while I was out working and my grandparents wanted to take me to see a doctor (because it's not getting any better), but guess who doesn't have insurance? *cries* 
> 
> With all the time I've spent having to lay down, you'd think I'd get a bit more done, but it's actually super uncomfortable to work on my laptop with my back like this--regardless of the position a lay in. Oh well...
> 
> I'm actually so happy with this chapter. So I really hope you all enjoy! 
> 
> Oh and I really wanted to give a big thank everyone who's been reading and commenting. I try my best to respond to all the comments and you all make me roll around and squeal like a little kid because of how happy I get when I read what you have to say. It makes my whole day just from getting one comment, so I really, really, REALLY appreciate it! <3 <3 <3
> 
> I also noticed through reading all of these comments how many people relate to this fic and all of the issues and insecurities that Makoto carries. It saddens me to think that anyone has to go through or deal with anything like this, I know we can't go through our lives being 100% happy all the time with no issues, but I just think all of you are wonderful and have been so nice to take the time to leave me a little comment--about the stories, about yourselves, or even positive feedback in general. I appreciate that truly and hope that for whatever you may be going through in your lives that you find happiness! And don't ever feel afraid to talk about what you feel--if it makes you feel better to leave a comment about it on here then go for it! I'll read it and respond to it the best that I can! You guys are like 90% of the reason I write this and I love you for taking the time to read this!
> 
> And if you don't feel comfortable on here and maybe want to talk to someone drop me a PM on my Tumblr. I have two blogs, either rawrsuzie (used to be my main but I don't check it quite that often) or a-dirty-side-of-me (be warned that this one isn't the most PG of blogs...but it's filled with Free! mostly and some other things. This is the one I check often.)
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading this if you got this far and I hope you enjoy!
> 
> (Sorry for rambling, but I just need to say that.)

His vision is filled with clear a blue sky and shimmering blue waters.

Everything is vibrant, glistening all around him and it’s so _warm_ …! His feet are swishing back in forth in the cool waters of a swimming pool and he’s absolutely content with lying down on his back and basking in the rays of sun with his eyes closed. Distantly he can hear the splashing of water and Nagisa’s boisterous laughter. There’s a shriek and he knows exactly what his mischievous teammate is up to as soon he hears Rei start yelling at him to stop splashing. He can’t see them with his eyes closed, but he knows if he were to turn his head to the right, he’d see Miho-sensei and Gou resting together under a parasol, idly chatting with one another. Gou would occasionally yell at Nagisa to keep it down (which only makes him yell even louder because that’s just how he is).

He continues to bask in the sun, laughing every so often at the antics of his friends, his face hurting with how much he’s smiling.    

A shadow suddenly blocks the sun and he can feel small beads of water dropping onto his face. He doesn’t have to open his eyes to know who the familiar presence by his side is. He smiles and lifts up a hand, holding it open and when he feels a small hand slip in to it—everything is perfect. His eyes open and are met with the clearest of blues he’s ever set his sights upon.

It’s almost like he’s drowning when he stares into these eyes.

“Makoto…”

Makoto’s gaze shifts towards a pair of soft pink lips. They move again, tongue peeking out a little, calling his name once more and he can’t help but grin when the move closer to his own.

_Just a centimeter more and…_

There’s a rustling of fabric and a ticklish feeling on his sides, but Makoto’s too out of it to make any sense of it even as the ticklish feeling spreads. His eyes are close and they feel too heavy to even try to open—stubbornly he keeps them close even as his sense start returning to him slowly, determine to try and slip back, still clinging to the remaining remnants of a dream—

“Makoto…”

There’s a puff of breath by his ear and he feels more than hears the slipping of fabric moving over his body. He can feel himself twitching, the ticklish feeling becoming too much to bear and he can’t help but let out a small giggle.

“Makoto.”

He feels fingers gently thread through his hair and a kiss pressed to his temple.

He smiles. “Mm. Good morning, Haru-chan.”

Blearily, he blinks both eyes open and moves his hands around Haru, sliding them around his waist.

And is pleasantly surprised when he realizes Haru’s not wearing a shirt.

He’s even more surprised when he realizes _he_ isn’t wearing a shirt either.

He feels long, thin fingers make their way down from his hair, gently skimming down the sides of his face, tracing down his neck, and stopping just as they make it to his chest where the idly draw patterns into his bare skin.

Makoto shudders. “H-Haru…! M-my shirt…ah! Where’s my s-shirt…?”

He feels Haru frown from where he’s pressed his face into Makoto neck. “You don’t need it.”

“B-but…!”

Haru suddenly sits up and pins Makoto with a look that says, ‘no arguing.’

He proceeds to throw the comforter off of both of them and move so that he’s sitting on Makoto’s thighs, straddling him.

Makoto instantly turns three shades of red and covers his midsection with self-conscious arms.

It makes Haru furrow his brow and look at Makoto with something that could only be considered a pout.

Makoto would find it rather endearing if he weren’t so embarrassed right now.

In a flash of movement and few flailing limbs, Haru has both of his boyfriends arms pinned above his head. Makoto stares into the deep blue of Haru’s eyes, completely stunned by the sudden movement.

He almost drowns in the crystal blueness once again.

Haru’s eyes suddenly shift away from his own, moving downward, looking him up and down a few times before meeting his eyes once again.

Makoto realizes the vulnerability of his position.

With his arms pinned above his head, he can do nothing more then turn his head and hide in the crease of his arm and the pillow. He feels Haru shift above him, pressing down slightly harder onto his pinned arms.  

“Stop hiding.” It sounds almost like a demand, but Makoto can hear the troubled plea behind it.

When Makoto doesn’t move immediately, Haru leans down and nuzzles the side of his face, gently nudging him with his nose to face him.

And Makoto giggles despite his embarrassment because Haru is rubbing their faces together just like a cat would and it’s so cute. When Haru hears him laugh, he hums in approval which almost sounds like a purr to Makoto’s ears and that has him turning his head finally and beaming up at Haru with a big, stupid grin.

He wishes Haru would let go of his arms so that he could pet him!

Haru makes a small smile of his own when he finally notices his boyfriend’s expression and starts pressings kisses all over his face, occasionally giving him a small nuzzle every time he giggled.

Whoever said that Haru wasn’t affectionate could go suck a—

“Ah!”

Makoto makes a surprised noise as Haru’s free hand comes to rest on his side, rubbing circles into his skin with his thumb.

“Cute.” He hears Haru murmur.

“Mhm…!”

Makoto’s face turns red again.

This is…not something he’s totally unused to with Haru. Actually, it would be better to say this is something he is quite used to doing with him. Contrary to the popular belief, Haru was an _extremely_ affectionate person, if anything he was the one who was less affectionate—he was _constantly_ having to stop Haru from trying to do couple-y things while they were in public and Haru, undeterred by the fact there were people around, was always finding new ways to turn his boyfriend into a red, sputtering mess.

Haru _loved_ cuddling; he _enjoyed_ a waking morning kisses, regardless of who was doing the waking. He enjoyed sitting together, leaning against one another. He like running his finger though Makoto’s hair or tickling his sides whenever he saw a flash a bare skin—

That was the thing though; it was becoming increasingly rare that Makoto took off his shirt around his boyfriend now.

Actually, it had been a while since Makoto had even been this affectionate with Haru.

He spent so often now trying to avoid meals (avoid Haru) and increasing his exercise regimen that, for a period of time, he’d stop hanging out at Haru’s altogether.

And he’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss this.

What he doesn’t miss is the sinking feeling in his stomach at being on display so fully in front of his boyfriend.

He feels so…naked, like he’s wearing all of his insecurities on his sleeve. Haru just keeps on staring at him…! He doesn’t feel worthy of the stares he’s getting from Haru—a look that practically borders on reverence…!

He doesn’t deserve that kind of look towards him.

He’s hideous…!

He’s fat…!

He’s…He’s…!

Makoto squeals when he feels something sharp latch onto his earlobe.

“Makoto…”

His gaze refocuses back onto Haru and his stomach drops when he sees the downtrodden expression across his face.

“H-Haru…!” He calls out his name, but doesn’t really know what to say after that.

Haru’s expression changes more to a pensive look which is then replaced by one of determination—the expression he usually has when he plans to break for a body of water.

Having that look directed at him makes Makoto tremble. (Tremble with what, he’s not quite sure.)

Haru releases the arms he’s pinned down and before Makoto can speak, he places both hands at either side of Makoto’s head and fervently says, “Beautiful.”

Makoto stares at him incredulously.

So he says it again. “Beautiful.”

“H-Haru…?” Makoto finally manages to squeak out.

“Beautiful, so fucking beautiful.”

And Makoto gasps because it’s very rare that Haru cusses. “Haru…?”

Haru moves down, planting more kisses to Makoto’s face, saying beautiful for every kiss he drops into Makoto’s tanned skin.

Makoto, who’s completely, utterly overwhelmed, doesn’t say anything else and lets Haru continue whatever he was doing.

“Beautiful.”

“So beautiful.”

“You are _so_ beautiful.”

And Makoto almost laughs because he’s feeling slightly delirious and he’s starting to compare Haru to Rei.

Haru moves from his face, down and down further placing kisses on every part of Makoto’s skin that he can reach as he makes his way down towards his stomach.

Makoto grips the bed sheets when he starts kissing around his navel.

And he _can’t_ look and he _won’t_ look because he’s fat…and oh god how can Haru be kissing him when he’s this disgust—

Haru moves suddenly and seals their lips together, kissing Makoto harder than he ever has before.

It literally takes Makoto’s breath away.

He pulls back for a second, giving them a break for air before he does it again, again, and again.

Makoto swears Haru’s going to steal his breath away.

When Haru pulls back once more, he gently cradles Makoto’s face in his hands, staring him dead in the eyes again with his oh-so-perfect blue eyes.

Haru smiles, actually smiles and says, “Beautiful. My beautiful Makoto. I love you _so_ much, you are _so beautiful_.”

And he doesn’t know if it’s just the surety that Haru says it or if it’s how blinded he is by Haru’s smile,

But for once, he actually let’s himself believe he’s beautiful.           


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being alone with your thoughts is scary. Realizing that your thoughts are right is even scarier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This feels reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally short but I'm posting it anyways because it's character development-ish?
> 
> I know it has taken FOREVER for me to post another chapter, but I kind of stuck myself in a rut with the last chapter because I was like, "Oh crap, where do I go from here??" DX I really didn't know what I wanted to come after chapter 5, but my lovely friend called me on the phone a pretty much helped me figure out how to keep going and really where I want to go from here, so I'm so grateful to her. I know where I want to go with this story, but how to get there is my challenge. So hopefully this will suffice for now, I'll write something longer next chapter!
> 
> On a random note, my back is slightly better! I did fall off a ladder the other day (I didn't get hurt so no worries!) and I ran into the back of a cart that I was pushing around the yard (it got caught on something) and I almost went flying! XD I got a few decent size bruises and I told my grandparents that somethings out to get me because I don't think it's humanly possible to be this unlucky. It might sound bad, but I'm actually having a lot of fun! :D
> 
> Anyways, enjoy~!
> 
> EDIT: Oh my god...I was working on the next chapter for this story and I went back to this chapter to look at something and I realized THERE IS LIKE AN ENTIRE PAGE MISSING FROM THIS THAT I DIDN'T COPY OVER PROPERLY. So I'm adding it in now and I'm sorry that it got left out to begin with. T-T (I'm super glad I caught that because the next chapter wouldn't fit as nicely without it...well, in my opinion anyways. XD)

Makoto can’t understand what Haru finds beautiful about him.

It’s something that’s been plaguing him, especially in the silence of the morning, as he goes out for his morning run.

His music roars in his ears in hopes of a distraction, but it’s not enough to keep away his thoughts. It’s been twisting around his mind every day since Haru spent the night a week ago—he can hear the low-rumble of Haru’s voice, he can remember the sincerity of his gaze, the way he _looked_ at him—spoke to him, touched him, _loved him_. It makes his stomach tingle every time he thinks about it because he knows without a doubt just how much his boyfriend meant it. It’s the perks of being best friends for as long as he can remember—he can see the genuineness of his partner’s words and know that Haru absolutely means it.

But there’s also a feeling of dread because he _just doesn’t understand why!_

What can Haru see that he can’t? What is it about him that keeps Haru interested in the first place? The reason Haru even considers their starting point together at the two year mark is because he had a sex dream about Makoto and that means something doesn’t it? He sparked Haru’s interest so much that it’s been nothing but the two of them—Makoto and Haruka—even when they were young and didn’t understand all of this ‘adult’ stuff.

Whatever Haru finds physically appealing about him seems to be enough, though he almost has to question his boyfriend’s tastes. Out of all of them, it should definitely be one of their friends over him—

_Anyone_ but him—

Makoto shakes his head, headphones falling out in the process.

_‘Stop…! Stop thinking about it…’_

This needs to stop, _he_ needs to stop. Haru’s obviously already made his choice and he chose him, what else is there to think about?

Haru thinks he’s beautiful and that’s plenty enough for Makoto.

He shoves his headphones back in and picks up his pace.

…

…

…  

…But what is it that he sees in him?

Physical looks aside, is it his personality that he enjoys? Out of anyone they know, he’s always been the one able to easily get along with Haru without conflict.

Though, now that he thinks about it, that’s mostly because Haru really could do or say anything to him and he would just take it.

Makoto may get in the way of Haru’s more…ridiculous tendencies, but if Haru were to act like a spoiled brat and take it out on Makoto, he’d never say a word.

Sometimes…he feels like a mother doting over their child…but it’s not quite right. He and Haru somewhat have a mother-son relationship, (though, with some of the…unmentionable things they do it definitely shouldn’t be a mother and son thing) but it’s maybe more that he’s an extension of Haru?

He goes and gets Haru out of his tub every morning so he’ll go to school, he brings an extra lunch sometimes just so he knows that Haru’s had something else to eat besides mackerel. He’s sure to go with Haru whenever Haru needs to go shopping just so he can keep him out of (water) trouble. There’s an endless list of things he’s willing to do for the sake of his once friend turned boyfriend.

But…Haru doesn’t really need for him to do this. He’s more than capable of doing these things for himself—it’s him who needs it, needs Haru to let him do this.

It wasn’t always this way, Makoto hasn’t always tied every untied shoe and hand out tissues for every sneeze that Haru’s had. It…was the only way for him to be useful to Haru when he shut everyone out.

How else could they have been called friends if he couldn’t even get Haru to speak to him?

And it’s something that just never stops—like an addiction. Even after Rin becomes their friend again and everything goes back to being somewhat normal, he’s just so used to doing absolutely everything he can think of for Haru’s sake and it’s become such an ingrained habit in his daily life that he would be lost if Haru didn’t let him. He’s pretty sure Haru realizes this too.

So what does that say about their relationship? That Makoto just has a heavy dependence on Haru and Haru just lets him do whatever he wants? Sure, he gets along with Haru fine now, but isn’t that only because Makoto does anything to ensure that they are okay? He’s never questioned Haru on any big decision—only because Haru’s never thought really about anything besides swimming and mackerel—and him now they are together.

What if he stops following Haru’s lead though?

Will Haru get tired of him and shut him out again?

Haru thinks he’s beautiful, but is it really him that he’s looking at or is it the Makoto that follows Haru’s lead without question?

Is there even another Makoto besides that one?

To say that Haru enjoys his personality is pretty much saying that Haru likes all of the things Makoto is willing to do for him.

Does he even have a personality if that’s the case?

If he does have one, would Haru even like it?

It makes him choke up to even think about it—Haru changing whatever opinion he holds of him, finally realizing that the real Makoto is not who he’s always though him to be.

Haru being disappointed in him.  

And it’s infuriating; he—they wouldn’t be like this if Haru had never shut him out.

He wouldn’t have assumed the role that he did if Haru had kept talking to him, be his friend still.  

They wouldn’t be like this if Rin hadn’t come into their lives—!

It’s like someone’s just slapped him in the face—Makoto freezes mid-step, stomach dropping and chest burning worse than he’s ever felt before.

Oh god…

Oh god…

_Oh my god…!_

He doubles over and thinks—knows he’s going to vomit. He dives for the closet container he can find and hopes it’s a trashcan.

He heaves again and every ounce of liquids (because of course he hasn’t eaten) is squeezed out of his stomach until he’s simply gagging over and over with nothing but air coming out. Shaky hands clench into the material of his workout pants and he has to brace himself to keep falling over. He runs a shaky hand through his hair, willing his mind to be silent. If he keeps thinking about it, he’s going to cry—and he can’t—won’t cry in public, even if no one is around at this hour.

_What the fuck is wrong with him?_

He’s sick, he’s absolutely sickening. How could he even _dare_ to call himself a friend after thinking something like that about Rin?

It’s because he’s jealous, _always_ so agonizingly jealous of Rin.

And for a moment he has to wonder if he’ll always be this way. Even in the silent moments of the morning, alone, nowhere near Haru or Rin—the two of them miles apart from one another and this is what he thinks about. He doesn’t even have to be around them, watching them together, for his insecurities to plague him.

Forget not having a personality—this _is_ his personality. This is the awful person he’s become—

Or maybe has always been.  

This is why he needs Haru—this is what his actual personality is apart from him.

He’s not beautiful, he’s absolutely disgusting—in his looks, his personality…

To his friends…

Everything.

He’s not calling his boyfriend a liar—

Haru just doesn’t understand who he really is.

\--

That realizations is one of the worse wake-up calls he could ever come by. It’s one of those life changing moments where everything just falls into place—it’s like putting on his glasses for the first time and realizing that he can actually see clearly compared to the blurry, muddled mess he’s been staring at for so long.

Ignorance had been bliss.

And now it haunted him wherever he went.

When he woke up in the morning, in the shower, on the way to school, during his lessons, during lunch, during practice, on the way home—

When he’s with his friends—

When he’s with his family—

When he’s with Haru—always.

Always.

Always.

Always.

Makoto knows (has always known?) the problem lies within him and he is (and always will be) powerless to do anything about it.

(Well, he could do something about it but that would involve letting go of Haru and that is just something he absolutely cannot do, selfish as it may be.)

He gets that he’s disgusting now.

He knows for sure that he truly has a bad personality.

He realizes that he isn’t the person everyone claims—expects him to be.

Makoto Tachibana is NOT Makoto Tachibana—

And he absolutely hates himself for it.

Isn’t it ironic how trying to fix himself on the outside is what helps him realize how messed up on the inside he is? It reminds him of trying to help clean the twin’s room—of having to pull every blessed toy out of every hiding place until the room is littered in stuffed things and a minefield of plastic—making an even bigger mess than when they’d started. That’s what he is—the big mess that doesn’t get any better no matter how much he tries to throw out and push away. No matter how “good” he pretends to be or how “selfless” he tries to act—he will always be the mess at the back of the closet that everyone just gives up on trying to get rid of.

They just leave it, ignore it, pretend that it is never there.

And even worse—when they just accept it will always be there.

He _has_ to be perfect on the outside now—to make up for what he’s lacking.

This is what was going to fix him; this was going to fix everything. The inexcusable bouts of jealousy, his unexplainable fits of insecurity—this was all on him.

Makoto may not be able to change his personality much, no matter how much he wishes he could, but he could fix his appearance. He could lose every ounce of disgusting fat on his surface.

Maybe—just for once, he can be worthy of someone like Haru.

Maybe then he can finally stop competing with Rin.

\--

And that’s what his motivator becomes. He drives it into his mind and holds onto it like it like a second life force. It’s like a personal mantra—it’s what keeps him pushing himself beyond his limits, until he can’t feel his arms anymore and his legs have given out below him. He gets up even earlier, runs even farther, bench presses even more until he can see the black sparks invading his vision and he almost or actually passes out. 

He can’t stop—won’t stop until he can be the beautiful person Haru believes him to be.  


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perfection always comes at a cost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT NOTE: I made a huge boo-boo on chapter six and realized that I was missing AN ENTIRE PAGE from that chapter. I don't know what happened, but I went back and fixed it, so go read that last little bit if you didn't see that I updated it. Sorry for the mistake!
> 
> Anyways, I've had a bit of a rough time since I uploaded the last chapter and this isn't much, but I wanted to add this short little chapter in. I promise this story will pick up eventually and it won't keep being sad Makoto thoughts. :'( (But I kind of thrive off of sad character development--I like to feel that ache in my chest for that character...*shrugs*) I'm a little bummed out by some things right now, but I've been playing tons of Pokémon GO and Undertale (such a wonderful game btw) to make me feel better which has been helping a lot. :) 
> 
> I'll be working on this too, but it will probably be a little while before another chapter. Thank you for your patience and I hope you enjoy this update. <3

It’s been two weeks and he’s lost _eleven_ pounds.

It’s something he actually lets himself be proud of—it’s been a dreadful two weeks of nothing but exercise and fasting from, well, _everything_ (well, everything he can get away with skipping anyways), besides his daily dose of dieting pills.

He’s lucky that the pharmacist believes him when he lies that they’re for his mother and that she’s too embarrassed to pick them up herself, sending him instead to get them. Being as big and tall as he is has its perks, they don’t even ID him whenever he makes a purchase. Going in there and grabbing multiple bottles is nothing, he can easily lie that the other bottles weren’t working.

Finding time to exercise is definitely more challenging, but not impossible. It’s easy to slip out of the house in the morning, early enough that his parents and siblings won’t even realize he’s gone and there’s definitely no chance of him running into Haru (who’s surprisingly a morning person so that he can take longer soaks in the tub). He showers every morning now after his run and that’s the only thing different from his normal routine besides the amount of pills he swallows (three or four depending on previous day activities). Makoto’s even been able to join a gym on the sly.

It’s scary how easily everyone accepts his lie of a part-time job which excuses his frequent absences.

The only downside to everything—

He always feels tired now.

Physically, mentally, just tired all over—there’s always a feeling of heaviness, some drowsiness, like his body needs a few seconds notice before he does anything, or else he ends up slightly disoriented. Sometimes doing anything feels like trudging through mud, but he figures all the exercise is finally catching up and that eventually he’ll stop feeling so awful. He just needs to power through it and get stronger.

The worse part of it all is the headaches.

Sometimes it’s just there, not extremely painful or anything—just there kind of like a thought that just sits in the back of the mind just gnawing away until he has to take some medicine for it or just sleep for a while—naps usually do the trick.

And then there are the excruciating ones that make him feel like his skull is going to split in half.

If he’s exaggerating, it’s only slightly. Those kinds of headaches leave him pretty much incapable of doing anything saved for lying in his bed, rolling back and forth in agony. He doesn’t frequent them often, he can count the amount of times he’s had them on both hands, but when he does get one it’s absolute torture. He’s lucky enough to never get one at school, or if he does, it’s just the start of one and he can mostly make it through the day without incident. Practice is a slightly different story—his skull is mostly throbbing by then and Haru’s had to drag him home twice after watching him throw up during them.

He gets pretty pissed off by it too, the fact that Makoto tries to keep going when obviously he’s in pain. He usually won’t say anything to him about it until Makoto’s feeling better again, but Makoto knows Haru well enough that he can tell when he’s pissed. Haru’s kind enough to dot on him until he’s better though, tucking them both into his bed and massaging his back or shoulder, maybe even rubbing his temples—soft gestures to ease his pain.

Sometimes Haru will make offhanded comments about how he never had a problem with headaches before but usually he’ll just counter with something like school related stress or his job can be difficult sometimes.

Haru always looks like he wants to argue but never does.

That irritates him sometimes.

That’s new too—how irritated he gets now. For the first time since they’ve been born, Makoto finds himself being annoyed by his own siblings. How they never stop speaking, arguing through the time that he spends with them morning and after school into the late hours of the evening until they are put to bed, only to start right up at the crack of dawn. They scream, they yell, they cry and his patience with them is normally used up by the first hour of them being around him. It’s not just the twins either; his parents have been doing a number on his nerves. All they have to do is walk into his room now and he’s already irritated. It gets worse when they start coming and giving him random ‘parent required talks’ or so his father usually refers to them as.

He doesn’t care how they think a teenager like him should be feeling. He doesn’t want to hear stories about what they went through when they were his age. They don’t need to be so concerned over how much ‘stress’ he’s putting onto himself, with school and his ‘part-time job’. He’s basically an adult and he has been handling things himself.

But he grins and bears it all and does a pretty good job of masking every negative feeling, every awful thought that he feels because he knows it’s not their fault.

It’s harder to do the same around his friends. As much as he truly does love and cherish each and every one of them, there is a lower level of patience he holds for them than he does for his family, even if he does think of them all as a dysfunctional family of sorts. He catches himself thinking a lot about the genuineness of some of their actions and questioning if they do have his best intentions in mind when they do things like send him home early from practice or when they make subtle comments about his weight loss.

Sometimes Makoto believes that they are saying and doing things behind his back and he can’t help but feel betrayed by it.

So when Nagisa not-so-gently shoves food down his throat from those calorie-filled lunches of his, he gets slightly peeved.

How Gou makes a big deal of emphasizing how none of them are getting the proper nutrients to be building muscles properly and forces them to drink strange tasting protein shakes—making him drink _four_ of them when everyone else barely has to touch a half of a glass, he gets sort of pissed.

When Rei is constantly pulling him aside and giving him information about proper dieting and exercising regimens, ones he _definitely_ didn’t ask for and yet he ends up with notebooks **filled** with exercising routines that are shorter and surely not enough to work off the calories he’d consume by following the dieting guidelines. Makoto won’t lie; he actually gets pretty angry by the way Rei acts like he knows it all when he knows _absolutely_ nothing about what he’s going through.

But he takes their ill aimed concern as well as he can handle, because they are still his friends and they probably mean well…somehow.  

But the worse of them all is his own boyfriend.

His family and friends combined could never even dream of understanding him like Haru does. Haru’s no mind reader, but he _knows_ Makoto just as well as Makoto knows him. It’s like a doubled-edge sword; he has the benefit of reading and knowing Haru, probably better than he knows his own self, but the same could be said for Haru as well.

He wasn’t stupid, he _knew_ that Haru knew—Haru probably didn’t know absolutely everything going on in his head, but he knew enough, understood him enough and was still trying to stop him.

Didn’t Haru understand that this was for him—for the both of them?

…

…maybe Haru didn’t really understand him.

\--

He also has days where he doesn’t want to be touched by anyone.

It’s just—he is…it hard to explain, but there’s a feeling of disgust—even if it’s as small as a brushing of shoulders.

He shudders, he cringes, feels like curling in on his self, feels the need to vomit—feels the bile rising from the back of his throat just by the brush of a hand or an accidental touch. It’s involuntary, something that he’s lost all control over. He can’t help it when he flinches or when he jerks out of someone reach.

And it’s not even other people he’s disgusted by:  it’s him.

He just…doesn’t want to be looked at, doesn’t feel worthy of being looked at. It almost feels unnatural to be in his own skin, like he doesn’t belong there at all—doesn’t deserve to belong.

Makoto can’t—won't even dare a glance at himself on those days; he’s terrified to even see the reflection staring back at him.

And he frequents these days more than he’d like to admit.

Even when he’s working so hard to fix it, he knows it’s not going to stop until he’s perfect.

So until then though, the touching thing is a huge problem.

Especially since…well, he’s always known that everyone around him were rather…physical, but this was…

He was…

“Makoto?”

There’s a brush of a hand across is back, sliding its way across the width of his shoulders coming to a rest at the junction of where his shoulders met his neck. It was a familiar hand, one he’d come to be very acquainted with throughout his life—

It makes his whole body tense—makes him feel nauseous in the most sickening of ways. It felt so foreign all of a sudden that he actually jerks away from the touch.

Jerks away from his very best friend.

Makoto meets his eyes immediately and knows right away the damage done by his actions. All it takes is one look into his boyfriend’s eyes and he can just feel the immense feeling of _sadness._

And it is all his fault.

“Y-you startled me, Haru-chan!”

That was a blatant lie and they both know it, but he says it anyways—hoping, praying that Haru will stop looking that way.

Haru’s hand hovers in the air for a moment before he brings it back down to his side, clenching into a tight fist.

“Lay of the –chan.” Is all he says before turning towards the direction of his home and walking away.

Makoto stares at his distancing figure, feeling a mixture of everything and nothing all at the same time.

‘Just a bit longer…’ He thinks. ‘Just a bit longer until I’m better…’

‘Wait for me Haru.’

He spends the rest of the night wondering how everything could be going so well and still feel this awful.

\--

Haru barely touches him after that.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because everything always goes wrong when you are having fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I. AM. ALIVE. 
> 
> Well, mostly anyways. 
> 
> But seriously. Can I just say that the past few months have just been a pain in the butt?? My precious, precious computer kicked the bucket on me and I had to limp through an entire semester of college without it. I lost all of my stuff and have been struggling to get motivation to work on this again. It was pretty depressing to lose all of the chapters I already had for this when I couldn't even remember what I had wrote in some of them. I still don't actually have a computer either, I'm sharing one with mom for now until I can get the money to get myself something that won't let me down after a year...
> 
> Anyways, this chapter took me forever to crank out and I think future chapters will probably too until I finally get my own computer again. I really wanted to hurry and post something though so you guys didn't feel like I abandoned this story. (I've also been working on other short stories too, I've been typing them out on my phone and probably will post some relatively soon.) 
> 
> Also, just because I find this funny now and I swear this only happens to me--I tripped over my cat and tore the ligaments in my knee. I had to wear a brace for three months. THE CAT IS FINE FOR THOSE OF YOU WONDERING--I swear anyone who asked me what happened was more worried about the cat, but just know that the reason I got hurt in the first place is because I didn't want to smush my cute kitty. :c
> 
> As always, please enjoy and I'll do my best to have a new chapter up faster next time! <3

Nagisa demands they go out together after school.

Practice is cancelled unexpectedly by a flustered Gou, who runs past them in a hurry yelling something about her mom and a doctor’s appointment before she dashes off campus and out of sight.

With the pool being closed off for the season, most practices have consisted of land and weight training, so the _most_ of them aren’t too disappointed by the sudden cancelling.

(Makoto makes a mental note to make up for it later.)

Since the pool’s closing, Haru’s moods have been varying from seemingly alright to complete shut-downs at the flip of a coin. Not even Makoto (with the promises of a longer bath times and joint Samezuka practices) can pull him out on his total shut-out days. But Makoto is thankful he frequents those days a lot less now.

(Makoto tries not to think about _why_ they are so rare now and _who_ pulled Haru out of it before.)

But Haru is acting somewhat off today, which is how Makoto finds himself following Haru, being dragged around by Nagisa, towards some unknown destination in hopes of raising his spirits. Makoto knows that taking him home and letting him soak for a bit (even if Haru denies it) will make his boyfriend feel better, but he just can’t seem to tear him away from the overzealous, but filled with good intentions blonde.

For a while, everything is fine. They walk around town, going into local shops, looking at and trying on overpriced things that they have no intention of buying, but it’s still fun to look at. Several times Makoto finds himself looking over at Haru, trying to gauge his moods, figuring when enough is finally enough and Haru’s not-quite-unhappy-but-not-exactly-happy mood would sour into something worse and to his absolute delight, it seems Haru’s mood is slowly improving.

Makoto can’t help but marvel at how perfectly this day worked out to be.

He still watches though, ever mindful of his boyfriends mood swings, but watching Haru becomes increasingly harder when Nagisa runs by and slaps a fish hat—one that makes it seem like the fish is eating Haru’s head. He can’t even glance at Haru without breaking into a fit of small giggles.

“What’s so funny?”

Makoto knows there is no heat behind Haru’s accusation; he can tell Haru’s genuinely curious.

He spares another glance towards the ridiculous hat and covers his laugh with his hand, “Nothing, Haru-chan, that hat seems to really suit you.”

Haru crosses his arms over his chest. “Lay off the –chan.”

Makoto meets Haru’s gaze and startles at his expression.

There’s a small, barely-there smile grazing across his lips, but it’s not the smile that sends his hurt into a pounding furry, it’s not even the little puffs of air he lets out—the closest Haru gets to laughing without getting tickled—no, it’s the sudden _shine_ that fills up Haru’s eyes suddenly that Makoto couldn’t look away from even if his life depended on it.  

Haruka Nanase is one of the most expressive of individuals that he has ever met, but only if you know how to read his him— _especially_ his eyes. It’s one of the first things he realized he loved when it hit him how in love with his best friend he was. That expression especially, one that he so very rarely sees, that never fails to make him feel weak at the knees.

It makes his chest swell and clench all at once because he can’t remember the last time he’d seen Haru look like that and can’t understand for the life of him what he did to deserve such and expression towards himself.

He’s so suddenly overwhelmed all of the sudden, because everything feels _warm._

Everything he’s been feeling for months—every insecurity, every grudge, feelings, emotions—for a split second, it all feels like it melts away and he’s stuck wondering why was he so worried in the first place…?

“Mako-chan! Haru-chan! I’m starvingggg~! Let’s go get fooooood~!”

Sometimes reality comes crashing down—his reality just happens to be in the form of a tiny blonde who is definitely stronger than he looks. Nagisa comes barreling across the store and Makoto doesn’t even have time to blink before he’s crashing into a display table, crushing his overenthusiastic friend to his chest to keep him from hitting anything.

The air is literally knocked out of him.

Reality becomes a blur of colors and misshapen things. He notices the amorphous shape of people above him and it takes a couple of seconds before he can actually see them.

Before he can even hear what they are saying—

“I’m fine.”

He feels soft hands on his arms then his face, cupping his cheeks before carding through his hair. It’s so gentle that he has to keep himself from making happy noises.

He’s just about to tell Haru how nice it feels when Nagisa’s face obstructs his view. He feels thin arms slither around his neck and his air supply is once again forced out of his body.

“Mako-chan!! I’m so sorryyyyyyyyyy!!!”

Nagisa is wailing right next to his ear and it makes him flinch slightly. The blonde continues to sniffle and cry, arms constricting even tighter around his neck. Even with his very limited air supply, Makoto releases a breathy laugh and brings a hand to run across his friends back, shuffling his hair fondly for good measure.

“I’m okay…!” He gasps out. “Nagisa, I’m okay…!”

The weight of the blonde suddenly disappears and replaced with the Rei’s shouting.

“Nagisa-kun! You are suffocating him!”

Makoto looks and Rei is pulling their teammate up and off, keeping a tight hold on him so that he can’t move and try anything else.

He can feel hands on his body again and he can feel firm arm sliding under his neck and across his shoulders, the other reaching for one of his arms to help pull him into a sitting position. Makoto presses a hand to his head, his vision swirling for a few seconds. He looks over to his boyfriend when his vision returns and gives him a grateful smile.

Haru’s expression looks pinched but Makoto isn’t given enough time before Nagisa is speaking again.

“Mako-chan, I’m super sorry for knocking you down.”

Makoto takes a moment to appreciate it the sweet picture Nagisa and Rei make together. Nagisa has one of his hands curled into Rei’s shirt and Rei keeps an arm around his waist, steadying them both.

He smiles at the pair. “It’s okay. It was an accident. Just be a little more careful where you’re going next time.”

Haru’s running his hand up and down his back and he has to bite down onto his tongue to keep from making strange noises.

Makoto isn’t stupid. He _knows_ Haru’s been touching him less and less now. He _knows_ that the reason is his fault too. Haru is so observant of him sometimes that it’s almost _scary—_

Haru _realizes_ that being touched lately makes him uncomfortable.

Haru _knows_ that touching him when he’s in one of his moods is just going to make both of them upset because he _knows_ that Makoto will flinch or pull away and it’s going to make him feel guilty when he does.

Even when it seems like Makoto is going out of his way for his boyfriend, his boyfriend does the same in a much more subtle way.

And even though he sort of dreads the idea of physical contact now, even he can admit that Haru’s steady hand on his back is comforting. He thinks this is Haru’s way of testing him, seeing if he can get away with physical contact today or if Makoto’s just not feeling it—his touch has been light and fleeting, ready to pull away at the second he shows any signs of discomfort.   

Haru gives him one final pat before putting his hand back down.

The tingling sensation his fingers leave behind make Makoto determined to work even harder.

They’ll be okay again when he makes himself better.

\--

Makoto knows better than to think that he can have just one day without having to worry over something.

“C’mon! C’mon! The restaurant is just right up the road there! Hurry! I’m wasting away over here!”

Nagisa, who is surprisingly very strong for his petite size, is pulling Makoto and Rei along _like it’s nothing._ Haru is following diligently behind them, hurrying them almost as quickly at the promise of being able to sit in a booth with an aquarium right behind it _if they go get food right this very second_!

He doesn’t even know how he managed to forget the fact that hanging out with people usually entailed going out to eat.

And going out to eat actually meant eating.

When they arrive, the hostess sits them immediately, giving them the booth with the aquarium just like Nagisa promised.

His heart feels fit to burst out of his chest with how hard it’s pounding. 

He has to remind himself that there wasn’t anything to be nervous about—he can handle one meal, factor in the calories to he’s routine later. He keeps reminding himself that over and over again even as they all sit down—Haru and Rei taking the inside of the booth, closest to the window leaving Nagisa and himself on the outside.

The waitress hands them menus and takes their drink orders, promptly walking off to go fill them. Makoto’s just about gotten himself to a comfortable state of calm…

_There’s nothing to worry about._

_There’s nothing to worry about._

_There’s nothing to worry about…_

He takes a look at the menu.

His stomach drops. 

There wasn’t a single thing on this menu that wasn’t ridiculously high in calories! Everything sounded as if it were soaked in grease before it even got cooked! His stomach felt like it was doing Olympic style back flips.

884 calories…

680 calories…

2,780 calories…!

Why bother even listing it! This food is his absolute worst nightmare! His jogging routine wouldn’t even knock off a quarter of those calories…!

Makoto presses a hand to his stomach. ‘I think I’m going to be sick…’

He almost excuses himself to the bathroom before he notices Haru watching him.

He forces a smile. “What are you going to get, Haru-chan?”

Haru narrows his eyes but looks down at the menu. “Mackerel.”

“I don’t think they have that here.” He smiles at the slight pout his boyfriend gives.

“I’ll get whatever you get then.” He decides after a few more seconds of looking over the menu.

Makoto stiffens. “O-oh.”

Haru promptly closes his menu. “What are you getting?”

Makoto gathers the material of his trousers in his hands and squeezes. “D-dunno yet.”

“Hurry and decide.” Haru sighs.

He leans over until his side is lightly pressed into his boyfriends. He gives Makoto a few seconds to adjust to the contact, seeing if he’ll pull away, before he gently lays his head on his shoulder.

“H-Haru…” Makoto swallows thickly, looking around and catching a few glances centered towards the two of them, “w-we’re in public…”

“Don’t care.”

Makoto took a shaky breath before deciding that Haru would be Haru and he wasn’t going to dare to try and stop him. Besides, the warm pressure that Haru added to his right sides was…nice, even though it was extremely embarrassing.

“Rei-chan! Rei-chan! Look! Haru-chan is being super lovey dovey!” He rests his face into his palms and sighs dreamily. “Mako-chan and Haru-chan are so cute~! Why can’t you be more like that?”

Makoto definitely does not giggle at the (unmanly) squeak Rei lets out.

Rei is utterly flustered and Nagisa is having the time of his life teasing his boyfriend.

They really did suit one another.

A nudge to his side pulled Makoto away from looking at the “not-so-lovey” couple and to Haru who was looking at him curiously. “Haru-chan?”

“You haven’t decided yet.”

His eyes widen. “O-oh y-yeah.”

Haru looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to pick up his menu.

The thing is…Makoto really wasn’t hungry. Somehow his stomach must have adjusted to its limited supply of food and eventually shrunk to the point where it only had room for one meal a day.

Or that’s what he liked to believe at least. Whatever the reason though, Makoto really wasn’t hungry nor was he keen on shoving greasy, fattening food down this throat when he’d been doing so well…

“I’m not really hungry, Haru…” He finally admits as Haru continues to stare at him relentlessly.

“You forgot your lunch today.” Haru states.

“A-Ah well…yes…but—”

“Did you eat breakfast this morning?”

“Breakfast? W-well no…the thing is though—”

“Then you need to eat.” Haru affirms, ignoring his excuses as he leans back against Makoto’s shoulder.

As if it was that easy…

Well of course it would be easy for someone as small as him to say! It’s not like he had his figure to worry about—!

Makoto’s chest clenches.

It…wasn’t Haru’s fault…he was just worrying about him. Haru was such a wonderful boyfriend, even if he did indulge Makoto’s weight problem.

The waitress comes back with their drink orders (water for Makoto of course) and pulls out her pen and pad of paper to take their orders. Haru, again, looks a Makoto expectantly. Makoto quickly glances over the menu but the whole menu was starting to blur in his mind and the growing thought of eating anything was making him sick.

“I can give you a few more minutes?” The waitress offers after watching Makoto glance at the menu frantically.

 Rei glances at Makoto and answers for the group. “If you don’t mind, thank you.”

The waitress smiles and walks off, leaving the four—three of which are staring at the tallest member of their group.

Makoto shifts around awkwardly. “I-I’m sorry guys…”

Nagisa takes a long sip from his milkshake before replying with, “Its fine, Mako-chan. You okay though? You’re starting to look a little green around the gills.”

Makoto smiles, slightly exasperated. “I’m fine, but I really do mean it when I say I’m not that hungry.”

“Maybe you’re sick?” Haru lazily drags his finger down his iced water looking back and forth between Makoto and the cup.

Makoto shakes his head. That wasn’t it…at least not in the way Haru meant it.

“Is it the restaurant we picked?” Rei inquires.

“No…can’t say that it is.”

“Maybe you’re pregnant?” Nagisa snickers.

Makoto shoots him a frantic look. “Don’t say something like that so loud!”

Nagisa laughs even louder.

He feels…annoyed suddenly. Why was this suddenly such a big deal? It wasn’t going to kill him to skip this one meal. Why wouldn’t they just let it go?

He suddenly feels suffocated for some reason and all he wants to do is scream for them to stop.

‘I’m fine, everything is fine.’ He repeated to himself several times.

He clenches his fists even harder.

They’re all looking at him—expecting something from him and he doesn’t know why _they won’t leave him the fuck alone…!_

“Mako-chan should really eat…” Nagisa states in an almost taunting way.

_‘Stop. Stop pressing it.’_

“Yeah, it’s not good for your health. I know it’s hard to do when you feel sick but…” Rei gazes at him knowingly.

_‘Stop.Stop.Stop.Stop.’_

This was ridiculous, they were seriously being ridiculous. They had no right to talk about his eating habits when the two of them looked that good. He had to work to even get remotely close to that. He had to skip meals and avoid eating all of his favorite foods to even have a chance at looking good.

Just to be thin like them.

_‘They are your friends be nice. Be nice. Be nice.’_

Haru picks his head up from the table top giving him a long stare, “This is the reason you’re so thin.”

And whatever resolve he has snaps.

“Would you just shut up! Just shut up!” He quickly rises to his feet slamming his fists loudly onto the table. “Whatever you think is wrong with me is not okay? I’m fine, just great over here! Nothing’s wrong with me so stop acting like you know anything about me!”

Because they didn’t.

Because he wasn’t thin like them.

And they, they were just mocking him!

He slams his fist down again and watches as the three of them flinch.

He looks up, suddenly aware that everyone was now starting at him.

Shit.

_Shit.Shit.Shit.SHIT_

Immediately he regrets his outburst. His stomach plummets to the ground and he feels tears pooling in his eyes, making him desperately want to cry.

He opens his mouth to apologize, but cuts himself off when he notices their expressions faces filled with concern…and a hint of fear?

He feels like a big brute—awkward and out of place. He doesn’t belong here. He doesn’t deserve to be around them

Quickly he scoops up his back without sparing a glance to anyone and bolts out the door.

He runs all the way home to the safety of his room before locking the door and collapsing on the bed. He lies there in half a fit of rage and half of agony, running so many scenarios through his head on how he could have handled things so much better that he feels like the room is spinning.

All he can think about is their faces, how it’s his fault that they looked like that. Over and over and over he pictures it—Rei, Nagisa, _Haru—_ Haru with his big sad eyes, staring at him like he doesn’t even know the Makoto he’s looking at, like he was _afraid of him…!_

Makoto finds himself in the bathroom seconds later, dry heaving over the bowl of the toilet, gagging enough that he eventually brings up pure acid from his stomach. He heaves three or four times and lays on the floor of the bathroom for what seems like hours until he finally manages to crawl back to his bedroom. He shakes the entire time and has to force himself to crawl up into bed even when he feels like he could just curl up into a ball on the floor. He wraps himself in his comforter and squeezes his pillow tightly into his arms, curling up into himself like he imagined doing on the carpet. There’s tears even before he realizes he’s crying—he’s probably been crying since he got home—and he just begs to whatever deity out there to make him feel numb to the point that he doesn’t have to remember _anything_ anymore.

He refuses to eat dinner that night.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't normally ask for reviews, but some opinions would be wonderful. I would really enjoy some feed back and would like to know if anybody feels like it might be too rushed or maybe my writings off. (I tend to write all of my ideas out at once rather quickly and hope that they mesh well together...)


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